Great Big Sea UK

THE END OF THE WORDS AS WE KNOW IT

Well, you know the b'ys aren't so good with other people's lyrics, but you'd think they would know their own....

Seriously (or not), this is a slightly different take on a few GBS songs! There would be more, but "The Old Black Bum" could be construed as racist, and if I published the rest of the words to "We'll all be feeling Mary when me fingers get the knack" I'll have to put content advisory notices all over my page. And they do mess up the place so.....


by Teddy

Admin Girl (The Voluntary Sector Song)

An Admin girl am I and I'm telling you no lie
I live and breathe before a screen that burns into my eye
The boss is always round me but he doesn't seem to care
The work is rough, I've typed enough to stretch from here to there

And it's go, girls, go
Forget about a break
And every piece of crap you file
Just adds to the red tape

Beaurocracy's the king and inefficiency the queen
This filing system I must use, the worst I've ever seen
The o's before the m's must go, the q's before the p's
But everybody's so fed up they file just where they please

And it's go, girls, go
Forget about a break
And every piece of crap you file
Just adds to the red tape

There's forms and depositions and there's copies by the score
There's memos for us one and all and no-one knows what for
And every little paper clip requires someone to sign
In triplicate, and then a check before it's finally mine

And it's go, girls, go
Forget about a break
And every piece of crap you file
Just adds to the red tape

Appointments, bookings, meetings, taking minutes 'til I drop
Seminars and workshops, and it never seems to stop
There's always one more photocopied OHP to make
and one more cup of tea "sir, how much sugar do you take?"

And it's go, girls, go
Forget about a break
And every piece of crap you file
Just adds to the red tape

Forget the 9 to 5, with us it's 9 to 9 at least
And half a limp cheese sandwich hardly seems to be a feast
You chew it once, you swallow fast, your in-tray's getting full
The boss is standing waiting and his rank he likes to pull

And it's go, girls, go
Forget about a break
And every piece of crap you file
Just adds to the red tape

These figures don't add up and petty cash just isn't right
To get it straight I'll have to work from morning until night
And then I'll find it doesn't match with statements from the bank
And when at last it fits together, who then won't they thank?

And it's go, girls, go
Forget about a break
And every piece of crap you file
Just adds to the red tape

Type it, file it, copy it, now take dictation please
A letter to the auditor and one about the lease
And where exactly is the form that went to G.O.L?
As far as I'm concerned, it could have gone straight down to hell....



Thanks to Jane in Virginia - I HAD to stay up all night until I got this right!

Betty Piddle

Betty Piddle, Betty Piddle, with your legs crossed tight,
Betty Piddle, Betty Piddle, with your legs crossed tight,
Betty Piddle, Betty Piddle, with your legs crossed tight,
Gotta find a toilet, she could pee all night.
Gotta find a toilet 'cause her bladder's gonna bust
Gotta find a toilet now, I really think she must
Gotta find a toilet, gotta have the biggest wee
Will you show old Betty Piddle to the W.C.?


Did you ever wonder how to spot Tom White in a crowd?

Billy Peddle

Billy Peddle, Billy Peddle, did you see Tom White
Billy Peddle, Billy Peddle, he's not quite alright
Billy Peddle, Billy Peddle, he looks such a fright
Wears a mini-skirt and he stays out all night

Hairy fishnet stockings and his lipstick thick
Looking at him close up makes you feel quite sick
Cushions for his boobies and his 6 inch heels
Can I ask you Billy Peddle, how his bosom feels.



Especially for anyone undergoing an unusual amount of dental work. Welcome to the club!

Haven't Eaten In A Long Time

I haven't eaten in a long time
'Cause I got no teeth
I can only manage liquids
And I can't chew beef.

I haven't eaten in a long time
Now I'm so thin
That if I walk over a drainpipe
I just might fall in

Can you mash it, and I'll suck it up a straw
Liquidise it, please squish it some more
'Cause I can't eat it raw

I haven't eaten in a long time
'Cause my gums are sore
My mastication's sadly lacking
I can't bite no more

I haven't eaten in a long time
And my dentist's rich
My teeth have all been thrown away now
Ain't it just a bitch?

Can you chop it
Run it through a blender, please
I need to drink it 'cause my gums are diseased
And I can't eat with ease

I can't stand it
Can you please mash it
Turn it into a drink
So I don't have to think
My teeth won't come back
I have a big dental lack

I haven't eaten in a long time
'Cause I didn't brush
And everything I have to eat now
Has to all be crushed

I haven't eaten in a long time
Take this warning, please
You have to floss both night and morning
If you like your teeth



tune of "Something To It"

I Gotta Do It

I'm sorry that I ruined the rug
I have to say it wasn't the dog
I've been walking round and round
Looking for my box of sand

I went into the kitchen and
Couldn't find my box of sand
Give me back my sandtray, please
I really, really need to wee

I'm walking with my legs crossed
I really wanna do it
But someone took my tray away
and now I can't get to it

My kitty litter's been and gone
My human's brain must have gone wrong
They've even locked up my cat flap
So I can't get out to c***

It's really getting urgent now
I feel like I could pass a cow
If you don't want to clean it up
I really must suggest you let me out....

I'm sorry that I ruined the rug
I have to say it wasn't the dog
I've been walking round and round
Looking for my box of sand
I've been walking round and round
Looking for my box of sand



Jakey's Gun

Stick em up, boys, you're held up again
Stick em up, boys, you're held up again

When I was a young man I was led astray
I stole people's cars and drove them far away
And now I've grown older and done time inside
I've bought me a gun and gone out for a ride

Stick em up, boys, you're held up again
Stick em up, boys, you're held up again

I tried for a drugstore, but that didn't work
I held up me gun and they called me a jerk
The guy on the counter hit me with a stick
So I turned round and ran for the door pretty quick

Stick em up, boys, you're held up again
Stick em up, boys, you're held up again

I went to a bank with a sock on my head
I told them to pay up or I'd shoot them dead
The cashier she rammed a pen up my gun
So I figured out fast I'd do better to run

Stick em up, boys, you're held up again
Stick em up, boys, you're held up again

And last I did manage to rob an old maid
I pointed me weapon and fortune was made
Until I turned round and ran into a cop
Now I'm in the jail and in there I must stop

Stick em up, boys, you're held up again
Stick em up, boys, you're held up again

Stay on the straight and narrow
And don't you go astray
Over gates and fences and get locked away
Breaking people's windows
And stealing ladies' bags
Will see you hanging round in a courthouse



Jeremy Taylor

Jeremy Taylor, a brewer by trade
Walk him along, John, carry him along
Was so fond of trying each brew that he made
Carry him to his burying ground

Tell me, what did he drink then,
Walk him along, John, carry him along
And how much did he drink then,
Carry him to his burying ground

First off he drank a pint of his best
Walk him along, John, carry him along
He liked it so much that he drank all the rest
Carry him to his burying ground

Tell me, what did he drink then,
Walk him along, John, carry him along
And how much did he drink then,
Carry him to his burying ground

Somebody gave him a bottle of wine
Walk him along, John, carry him along
He drank up one glass, then two more - or nine
Carry him to his burying ground

Tell me, what did he drink then,
Walk him along, John, carry him along
And how much did he drink then,
Carry him to his burying ground

Then he did fancy a bottle of stout
Walk him along, John, carry him along
And when he had finished, the bar had run out
Carry him to his burying ground

Tell me, what did he drink then,
Walk him along, John, carry him along
And how much did he drink then,
Carry him to his burying ground

A bottle of whiskey he spied on the shelf
Walk him along, John, carry him along
Selfish old Taylor kept it to himself
Carry him to his burying ground

Tell me, what did he drink then,
Walk him along, John, carry him along
And how much did he drink then,
Carry him to his burying ground

He knew that his wife kept a bottle of rum
Walk him along, John, carry him along
A jigger or two, and he'd drunk himself dumb
Carry him to his burying ground

Tell me, what did he drink then,
Walk him along, John, carry him along
And how much did he drink then,
Carry him to his burying ground

A Portugese sailor stood him to some port
Walk him along, John, carry him along
I dare say old Taylor drunk more than he ought
Carry him to his burying ground

Tell me, what did he drink then,
Walk him along, John, carry him along
And how much did he drink then,
Carry him to his burying ground

They found him next morning, still propped at the bar
Walk him along, John, carry him along
A smile on his face, but he'll drink up no more
Carry him to his burying ground

Tell me, what did he drink then,
Walk him along, John, carry him along
And how much did he drink then,
Carry him to his burying ground



the Hypochondriac's Anthem.....

Swellin' Up

Well, come on gather all around me, I have something new to show -
Where I had my operation, and where the scar does go,
It is long and it is red, it will make you cringe to see,
And you'll be surprised, it stretches from my elbow to my knee

Oh, oh, oh, it's hurting
I feel a twinge inside
Oh, oh, oh, it's sore
I tell you that it's swelling up tonight

The nurses were so kind and all the doctors they did care
They were so surprised to find out what I had exactly where,
So they did cut me, they did stitch me, they did bandage me away
And you have gathered there like vultures while in my sickbed I lay

Oh, oh, oh, it's hurting
I feel a twinge inside
Oh, oh, oh, it's sore
I tell you that it's swelling up tonight

I've got stitches, I've got bruises, I've got needles in my arm
I've got tubes stuck up my nostrils, I've got drugs to keep me calm...



More like "when I'm down I can't get up"?

When I'm P***ed

When I'm P*****ed I can't stand up
Can't stand up, can't stay upright
When I'm P*****ed I can't stand up
Keep my feet both on the ground
I just fall down.....

I just went boozing, my balance I am losing
My head has started woozing, and it comes on strong
Nice time I'm having, lots of beer I'm drinking
My senses they are sinking, and I trip along
I trip along, and I am falling...
I am falling, I am falling..

When I'm P*****ed I can't stand up
Can't stand up, can't stay upright
When I'm P*****ed I can't stand up
Keep my feet both on the ground
I just fall down.....

Tomorrow's coming, my head it will be thumping
My stomach needs a pumping, and I'll feel so sick
Right now I need a curry, gonna have one in a hurry
In the morning I will worry, when my head is thick
And I am sick, when I am hurling
Room is whirling, all a-twirling...

When I'm P*****ed I can't stand up
Can't stand up, can't stay upright
When I'm P*****ed I can't stand up
Keep my feet both on the ground
I just fall down.....

(Chorus ad nauseam....)


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